Friday, 14th November 2003

It was a bright, fresh day,(actually it was night time) when Stansted airport saw the arrival of two highly suspicious looking characters on a Ryanair flight from Tampere in Finland. What the Ryanair cabin staff thought we were not able to find out. They were collected by two people in a nondescript saloon car and whisked away to an undisclosed destination. Nothing more was seen of them until the following day.

Saturday 15th November 2003

After making enquiries, it was discovered that the two men were indeed, the infamous Alaterä brothers. Both were members of the Stasi secret police which as we all know has been disbanded. Unfortunately no one seems to have told them! There now follows photographic evidence of their clandestine mission.

Using a local interpreter, they interogate the local huntsman. He of course, knew nothing.

Here they can be seen lurking in the background. No doubt hoping they would not be recognised. It didn't work! We were on to them.

The Stasi, receiving only rudimentary training, think that if you can't see them, they can't see you!

Later that evening.......

After consumming copious amounts of warm English beer which they obviously took a liking to, the pair were taken, by car, to a quiet restaurant, where they bribed the interpreter and her stupid husband into plotting the next day's undercover operation. Fortunately they chose a restaurant into which we had previously installed hidden cameras.

Using their crafty Stasi ways, they convinced the husband to wear a false moustache and nose as part of their plan. The interpreter thought this was highly amusing!

Heh heh heh! Ve hef veys off making you leff! Iss fonny no?

Damn! They discovered our secret camera. Our man had to pretend to be street photographer. I think we got away with it, but I'm not sure the bald one in the front believed him.

Sunday 16th November 2003

Early next morning, before the sleepy country town of Chelmsford had stirred, the four plotters began the second part ot their evil plan. London! They set off in the car that was now commandeered as the official Stasi staff car. We of course, followed at a discreet distance. The first outrage they carried out was to park their car on the Embankment! Few people have done this without the most dire consequences.

"Zoon Pekka, all zis vill be ourz!" "But vhy do ve vant a rotting hulk Tapani?"

Quick! Pretend to be tourists.

Houses of Parliament eh? Maybe ve should blow it up and do zer Englanders a favour. Maybe ve vill do it later huh?

What followed was quite bizarre. They wandered around aimlessly for an hour or two, got back in their car, leaving a perfectly good parking space, parked in an underground car park in Hyde park! From there they caught a tube train to somewhere only to return by taxi a little while later! I think the interpreter and her stupid husband were lost! Unable to carry out their wicked plans they got back in the staff car and returned to Chelmsford. To guess what? Yep! More warm English beer.

I think you can tell that their little plan was foiled by our intelligence operatives. Drink up boys, better luck next time.

It's the poor guy on the right, the husband of the interpreter, I feel sorry for. They plied him with drink, promised him the world, used him and then cast him aside like a worn out shoe. He's now serving time in HM prison Wandsworth for aiding and abetting. The interpreter has not been seen since!

Monday 17th November 2003

At around 12:30pm the pair were picked up by immigration officials and taken back to Stansted airport where they were deported.

Let this be a warning to you all. Beware of strangers in dark coats and funny hats!

There follows a report from Stasi headquarters

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